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Apr012012

Rules for Making it Through a Split

Remember when you had just gotten together and you fully believed he or she was ‘the one’, so utterly enraptured that you could only assume you could never love anyone else? While you got to know each other, you grew more confident in the partnership and you shouted of your love from the rooftops,told everyone of your partner, hoping that the important people in your life would adore your relationship as much as you did.  Your significant other not only became a part of your life and who you were, but indeed a part of your family, and their family yours. Your separate sense of selves became intermingled as the two of you, initially separate and individual, now pooled together to be seen as a ‘couple,’ planning new events together, attaining goals together, developing one after the other.  Both of you, for all intents and purposes,  were no longer unique beings.
When all of that comes to a screeching halt, the effects are almost always horribly painful. Some ”victims” who have gone through it have described the feeling as similar to losing a limb or going through a a car crash, leaving the sufferer feeling fully destroyed and, in serious cases, close to death. Setting aside what it feels like, the aftereffects of ending most romances are not good and, if you’re not prepared, dealing the experience will often leave you with some serious emotional injuries.

If you’ve just experienced a breakup and you are desperately in need of how to get through it, keep reading.  The remaining pages might, if you allow them to, assist and soothe some of your pain,more than you might expect.

Much like the various stages of mourning that occur once a family member has passed away, there are some stages that the brokenhearted will go through after a split-up.  In general,  Every individual has his or her own way, and some individuals are more prepared to manage the resulting “carnage” than others, so use the following stages as a kind of guide.  Mark them out as you transition through them and don’t worry about lingering on some more than others if you find it necessary.

Stage 1 - Sadness.  Experiencing sorrow after a breakup is completely to be anticipated. The vital thing here is to do it: get it over with, and  keep moving forward.  I advise that you embrace them; go grab yourself a box of tissues; and weep your eyes out.  Wallow in it if you need to; it’s OK.  When a significant other that was a significant role in your world is gone, you will feel sadness, and a whole heap of ‘negative’ feelings.  Guess what? You'll NEED to experience these emotions in order to move forward and continue with your life.  If you want to, go right ahead and allow yourself to feel bad.

Stage 2 – Rage. 
As with grieving, except a lot more aggressive, the “rage” stage will probably find you obsessing over all sorts of horrible, disgusting times. Every insensitive thing she ever uttered, all of the times he forgot an important event, EACH AND EVERY unpleasant experience in the relationship come to a boiling point in the middle of your heart until you're sure you'll go out of your mind.  Go “beat up” a few ping-pong balls at a local gym; run until you can't think anymore; or scream at some ducks down at the pond.  The last thing you need is a visit by the cops or a huge bill for repairs for smashing all the doors in her house.  I advise that you explode on something that doesn't feel pain. Release your anger out, just do not do something that you’ll wish you hadn't done the following day.

Stage 3 – Preoccupation. Grieving and being mad aren’t everybody’s favorite emotions for sure.  This phase isn’t as prone to disaster as the first two and might even be helpful, but avoid lingering in it too much.  In the “Preoccupation phase” people mostly do their best to ignore them by submerging into something, such as aerobics or cleaning the house until it sparkles.  Avoiding those emotions for a few weeks is not detrimental, but holding them in for years on end could result in problems sooner then you think.

Stage 4 – Being Alone. For most people, this is the hardest stage. Getting together with old friends you both knew can feel strange, and definitely when some of them think of you as the 'reason' for the the downfall of the relationship.  Concerned family members will assure you that even though that relationship has died, some others never will.  Loneliness once a relationship ends can be excessively intolerable, more than ever if you and your significant other were very social as a couple.  It is now that you must look for people  to who you are the closest and spend time with them.

Stage 5 - Criticism. 
The thing you must always attempt to do is to forget about it and move with life.  The blame phase is sometimes the worst, particularly in today's generations where somebody always has to be ‘blamed’.   Both of you naturally screwed up innumerable times, and no amount of criticism is going to repair what has already occurred.Plus, amnesty is good for the soul.

Stage 6 – Understanding.
This stage could be very helpful if you allow it.  Now is the chance to look back on what transpired, to take stock in the past, and to move forward with a improved sense of self. You made it. Be proud.

Stage 7 – The single life.
Even if it's not what you wished for, being single has many benefits, especially when the relationship was stifling you or you were clawing at each other whenever you saw each other. Now that you're alone, you are able to to focus on yourself, do whatever you want, and transform into the individual that you couldn’t when when your relationship was holding you back.  Take advantage of it. There will be other relationships and, maybe, other splits; however, this time, the world, is yours and yours alone. Use it to conjure up something amazing!

As I said before, these seven steps should be used as a checklist to get through an emotional time.  So, what's the good news?  After you’ve endured all of them, you will reach the other side a better and more in control individual, stocked up with all that you need for leaping back into the wide world out there and none the worse for wear.

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